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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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foo fighters. |
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okay so maybe its because i have my period, but all this college shit is becoming a total mind fuck for me. i regret so much. i could've done so much more during high school...more sports..actual community service..ap classes that i know i could handle but thought it wouldve been too much work..more honors classes..run for student office, which i always wanted to do but pussied out..way more clubs...its only now i'm realising how much i couldve done, and still had fun. i know you will read this and think its pathetic. and it probably is, but this is stuff i care about, and good colleges care about. so fuck you. this emotion is probably a direct result of the shitty summer i've had, and the amount of time i've had to think about it. aside from dallas, most of it was a fucking waste. few good things came out of this summer. one of them being a friendship i've built with a really great person, whom i am so thankful to for all the late night talks and always listening to me. however, the bad overshadows the good. i sat and watched the deterioration of something i had always considered would be a constant in my life. constants aren't so constant anymore. i know we could never replace last sumemr, but i expected better from us. but what do i know? abandoned utopia. ironic isnt it? we were in utopia. last summer was utopia. where the fuck are we now? having spent a majority of the summer on the couch, it gives you a different perspective. its like i'm viewing my life in third person. watching an empire crumble around me and not having the means to rebuild or stop it. but things are better for us now. yeh, sure. its a harsh wakeup call. other things changed my perspective too. everything seems so petty in the scope of the real world. there's bigger things to be worrying about. this entry is petty, my life seems petty. looking back, coming to toll gate was one of the best choices i could've made, but recently there's been some bad choices i'd rather forget. you live, you learn. right? well i've learned. to a certain extent, i kind of hate the place i am in life and the kind of girl i've become. maybe this means i'm ready to leave warwick and RI, make a name for myself somewhere else...that is if i can get to where i want to go. i know its stupid but sometimes i think i wont get into college. i know i can get uri and the like, but i want more than that and i'm afraid i wont be able to achieve that. i wish i could sit back, and just chill. not worry or care about college, or my future. maybe those kind of people have it better off. but maybe it is the people who have worked their asses off all four years that really dont have worry...and its the people that havent done shit that should be worrying. i dunno. i wish i could see into the future...see if i'll make it into the colleges i want, have the perfect balance of fun and work, graduate, make it successfully in the real world, make a difference in someone's life..eventually find love, marry, have kids, grow old and look back on life with no regrets. so much for the latter. i can only name one person who will relate to this right now. they know who they are cause this is the kind of shit we talk about everyday. i put this pressure on myself. you get out of school, and life, what you put into it. i dont know if i'm doing enough or if i've done enough. i also associate going to college with leaving all my friends. maybe its a good thing for personal growth, but its also fucking sad. then i think i'm not ready for college. i'm so sheltered. i'm just rambling and i'm gonna stop. no ones reading anyway. this is just a way to get my thoughts into something concrete. i probably wont stop feeling like this until the spring..when acception and rejection letters arrive. yay.
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cheerful
blah
discontent
horny
awake
confused
thoughtful
crazy